My Nuvaring Got Trashed by My Drunken Boyfriend

I really had to share this with somebody and I guess the internet makes it the world, but what I am about to tell you is so ridiculous I am laughing in disbelief. First of all, let me clearly state that this has nothing to do with natural hair or beautiful skin (I might add, that what I am about to tell you about is the reason I went from flawless skin just last Wednesday to far from beautiful skin).

Last week, I paid a visit to my gynecologist for reasons I will not disclose and she recommended a new birth control to me- Nuvaring. I have tried various types of birth control in the past, some worked wonderfully, others not as well. It just so happens that my genetic make-up left susceptible to extremely unpleasant birth control side-effects. So, my gynecologist handed me Nuvaring, which is a genius product for those that it works for. It would not be for me. That night I inserted the Nuvaring into my fun tunnel*, lauding the creators of this plastic ring for the break I was soon to have from scoffing down birth control pills day after day. I turned in that night and woke the next day to find an unusual rash directly below both my ears. Truthfully, I must have given the tiny rash 5 seconds in my morning, during which I thought, "Wow! Both sides, what symmetry!" Later that day, it had spread and was threatening to cover my cheekbones. Now that it was on my face, I could see the nature of the rash. It was rough to the touch and looked like millions of tiny zits the same color as my skin. Here is where I will stop you to say, "I love my skin! You don't get it. I pride myself in my flawless skin." Naturally, I panicked. The next day I hurried right back to my gynecologist to yell, "What is this?!" I was shooting all sorts of questions at her. "Allergy?! Side-effect!" Her response was that it looked nothing like an allergy and she sent me home with instructions to call if it got worse. No one likes a response like that, but I took what I got, slowly starting to loath the ring residing in my fun tunnel, manipulating the hormonal balance in my body.

It was a Friday and I went over to my boyfriends. It had been a rough week so I was more than happy to be able to spend the rest of my day with him. Now, I take full responsibility for initiating the drinking. I suggested we take some shots. He and his brother have been working on building a bar in the house, so his collection of glassware is praiseworthy. Out came the double-shot glasses and the actual liquor went down faster. I will fast-forward past all the drunken dancing and buffoonery that followed and resume playing where we decided to have inebriated sex (not always the best idea). He knew I'd changed the my birth control, he did not fully comprehend the concept of Nuvaring. I brought him the condom and slid it onto him.  He made one thrust into my fun tunnel and withdrew. I was trying to get on top of him but he was resisting.
"Whaaattt," I demanded.
"You can't....We need a new condom... this is broken..."
I remember thinking, "Hmmm...Weird," but an intoxicated attention span is about 2 seconds long.

This afternoon, I was at work and noticed some unusually heavy spotting. Hours later, I walked into my apartment and thought I would double check that my ring was still present. It wasn't. Re-check. Yep! Definitely wasn't there. Re-check. Oh My God! Every explanation ran through my head. I thought, "It couldn't have gone further up; the vagina is virtually a dead end to anything larger than a spermatozoon. It must have been when we were having sex." I ran over to my cellphone and called my boyfriend to ask one of the most awkward questions I have ever asked him."
"Babe, I am going to ask you something. Don't freak out. Did you happen to see a plastic ring when we were having sex this weekend?"
"Why... Did you lose it?" he asked, confused.
"Just answer the question!"
"Okay.... and it was," he responded, still confused
Men! I tell you! so clueless, "It was in my vagina!"
"Uhhhh... Yeah... I did... On Friday... Remember when I said the condom broke..."
"You threw away my birth control!"

Right now, I am trying to figure out how to explain this to my gynecologist when I call her tomorrow. The lesson: alcohol is dangerous and you should always fully describe your birth control to your boyfriend. But hey, my skin's getting better.



* fun tunnel = vagina